Sunday, February 21, 2016

This Waiting Game

"How do you know when you're ready?", a date asked when I reiterated that I wasn't looking for anything serious after talking about where I could get a customized bookshelf without my wallet crying for help. By serious I mean anything intimate in nature including quick fixes. I've been asked this question too many times by friends, guys in dating sites I creep on and people I have gone out with. I have asked myself the same question more than all those times combined, you would think I'd have a half-decent answer to it by now.

I always give the same answer, "I've things to figured out". I guess I'm trying to say I'd be ready when I got those things sorted out. But really, how does one know he's finally ready to tie his fate with another's in the romantic sense? I know a lot of people winging it, people who admit to winging it. A lot seem to be successful, others misfire. I thought if other people can do it, why can't I? So I went in, took my chance, played things by ear, and look where it got me. I guess I'm not as lucky as I thought I was and I sure as hell don't want to make the same mistake again. An argument can be made that I can do this sorting out while dating however if experience taught me anything, it's that I won't make a good juggler so why waste another person's time and be another lesson he'd share with his friends?

I'd like to think there's no end-all be-all answer to this question of readiness. Or at least, I can't come up with one. I could say I will be when I'm emotionally-stable and more financially-secure but does anyone ever really reach that point? There is no 100% stable and secure, after all. I can be all mighty with fortitude today but I can be convulsing on a sidewalk in EDSA with a neurotic attack the next day. Plus, emotional stability is difficult to measure and determine. The same can be said with financial security. At best, I am in the lower middle class and should the Philippines take a heavy economic downturn, I'm sure to be crashing down with it. Be that as it may, I made a list of things I want to do/have/be because as the great Michael Scott said, lists make you feel like you are doing something. It's certainly not meant to be all-inclusive but I'm hoping it's a step in the right direction.

  1. Gain some weight starting at 30 lbs. Because I want to be able to carry the partner for at least 10 minutes without my knees buckling. Imagine the possibilities. 
  2. Get my own house and car in two-three years. Or least, enough money for the initial deposit. 
  3. Be more financially-savvy. Make sound investments where and when I can. 
  4. Go back to school - either continue pursuing the same degree offering I ran away from or, switch to Agriculture and be a dope farmer husband. Hopefully in a year or two. 
  5. Cultivate the existing relationships I have - friends, family, work, and if my aversion to human interaction permits, create new connections. 
  6. Engage in more volunteer work and charity drives. Sure, I do my part as a taxpayer but it's kinda tiring to wait for the government to do something for those who require immediate help. God knows what the government is swamped with these days. I do like the idea of teaching streetkids and I've been scouting for a group that would take me in. I'm yet to find a schedule though that would fit mine.
  7. Find new places to get lost in. I'm tired of getting lost in other people.
  8. Learn how to be less critical of myself. This I have no idea how to do. It's a sickness, I tell you. 
  9. Come out to the family. I'm hoping to do this once they're less dependent of me but I fret this never gonna happen. 
  10. Settle down by 35. Because deadlines are cool. 
I'm certain there'll be a lot of readjustments along the journey of realizing them. There'd be a lot of things to be added, too, as I start crossing out things on this list. Again, I don't think this is the answer when I get asked if I wanted to go out on romantic date again. All I know is I know I'm not ready now. But maybe once I get to the last item, I'll be ready to say I'm ready. 

Feels like a fucking New Year's Resolution list though. 

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