Unread Pt1

It's odd to not miss you as much as I did before. Missing you was such a big part of me these past few years that it feels weird not thinking about you every time I am not preoccupied. I am not certain if I have fully accepted that you are no longer a part of my life. They did say you never get over losing someone. You just learn to live without them. Maybe this is one of the better days where that ball of ache in my chest is as its smallest.

I am no longer angry. Well, mostly sad about how things ended between us. Anger, after all, is just sadness pretending to be tough. I wanted it to be quick and painful but I guess you wanted it to linger. And linger it did for some time. Every waking hour was hell having left me without even a goodbye. I had so many questions. Mostly questioning myself if I gave too much, or too little. If I was enough, if I have loved you enough. But I realized there is no point in asking because there is no one to answer but my demons, and they don't really give anything of use to me.

I hope all days are like today. Remembering you, but not missing you. It feels nice.

Read more >>

Let Go Now

I don’t know what we had. I’m pretty sure it was something between too little and a lot of nothing. But it was something. 

I remember you begging. About three years ago. After breaking up a month before, I told you I needed to completely cut ties with you so I can properly mourn our mutual loss and move forward. But you begged me to stay. I was still in love with you so like a complete idiot, I agreed. It’d be hypocritical of me to say I didn’t hope that one day you’d realize I was worth the effort of upending your life, and running away with me. 

“Friends", we both said. Pitiful, to say the least. 

Fast-forward three years, look who’s left all alone. With the remains of something between too little and a lot of nothing. The child in me wants to throw a fit and demand I be given the same things I gave. Promises were made. Long ago. I can’t remember now. But people from the past who decided to stay in the past no longer owe us to keep their promises, do they? Just because you did and would do something for someone does not mean they would the same for you. I guess that’s what’s killing me. I led myself on and maybe part of it is my fault. But I am no child. I will not beg. If I didn’t beg then I surely won’t beg now. 

I will allow myself to accept my losses, grieve for a while and finally, let go. 

Read more >>