Sunday, February 21, 2016

This Waiting Game

"How do you know when you're ready?", a date asked when I reiterated that I wasn't looking for anything serious after talking about where I could get a customized bookshelf without my wallet crying for help. By serious I mean anything intimate in nature including quick fixes. I've been asked this question too many times by friends, guys in dating sites I creep on and people I have gone out with. I have asked myself the same question more than all those times combined, you would think I'd have a half-decent answer to it by now.

I always give the same answer, "I've things to figured out". I guess I'm trying to say I'd be ready when I got those things sorted out. But really, how does one know he's finally ready to tie his fate with another's in the romantic sense? I know a lot of people winging it, people who admit to winging it. A lot seem to be successful, others misfire. I thought if other people can do it, why can't I? So I went in, took my chance, played things by ear, and look where it got me. I guess I'm not as lucky as I thought I was and I sure as hell don't want to make the same mistake again. An argument can be made that I can do this sorting out while dating however if experience taught me anything, it's that I won't make a good juggler so why waste another person's time and be another lesson he'd share with his friends?

I'd like to think there's no end-all be-all answer to this question of readiness. Or at least, I can't come up with one. I could say I will be when I'm emotionally-stable and more financially-secure but does anyone ever really reach that point? There is no 100% stable and secure, after all. I can be all mighty with fortitude today but I can be convulsing on a sidewalk in EDSA with a neurotic attack the next day. Plus, emotional stability is difficult to measure and determine. The same can be said with financial security. At best, I am in the lower middle class and should the Philippines take a heavy economic downturn, I'm sure to be crashing down with it. Be that as it may, I made a list of things I want to do/have/be because as the great Michael Scott said, lists make you feel like you are doing something. It's certainly not meant to be all-inclusive but I'm hoping it's a step in the right direction.

  1. Gain some weight starting at 30 lbs. Because I want to be able to carry the partner for at least 10 minutes without my knees buckling. Imagine the possibilities. 
  2. Get my own house and car in two-three years. Or least, enough money for the initial deposit. 
  3. Be more financially-savvy. Make sound investments where and when I can. 
  4. Go back to school - either continue pursuing the same degree offering I ran away from or, switch to Agriculture and be a dope farmer husband. Hopefully in a year or two. 
  5. Cultivate the existing relationships I have - friends, family, work, and if my aversion to human interaction permits, create new connections. 
  6. Engage in more volunteer work and charity drives. Sure, I do my part as a taxpayer but it's kinda tiring to wait for the government to do something for those who require immediate help. God knows what the government is swamped with these days. I do like the idea of teaching streetkids and I've been scouting for a group that would take me in. I'm yet to find a schedule though that would fit mine.
  7. Find new places to get lost in. I'm tired of getting lost in other people.
  8. Learn how to be less critical of myself. This I have no idea how to do. It's a sickness, I tell you. 
  9. Come out to the family. I'm hoping to do this once they're less dependent of me but I fret this never gonna happen. 
  10. Settle down by 35. Because deadlines are cool. 
I'm certain there'll be a lot of readjustments along the journey of realizing them. There'd be a lot of things to be added, too, as I start crossing out things on this list. Again, I don't think this is the answer when I get asked if I wanted to go out on romantic date again. All I know is I know I'm not ready now. But maybe once I get to the last item, I'll be ready to say I'm ready. 

Feels like a fucking New Year's Resolution list though. 
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Thursday, February 18, 2016

Of Losing and Finding

It has been half year since I got myself a half-wanted freedom. That sounded childish and bitter now, didn't it. But it is what is. I knew I wanted to get out of the relationship but I also foresaw what life without someone to romantically dote on and look after would be like - emptier than usual. Which is not bad since the less things one is preoccupied with, the more he can cram in his life to unempty it (nope, unempty is not a word).

And so unempty it I have been doing. With most fizzling before I could get to my third time such as going on solitary walks on weekends, visiting museums within the metro, working out and so on. This is mostly because I feel like just sleeping it off. I have some little successes here and there though. I think I'm getting better at Spanish (hurray for Latino porn!). I'm also getting more social that is I go out with friends I forgot going out with when I was still with J. I have been devouring a fuck ton of sitcoms, too; because I am not willing to commit to two-hour long flicks and the TV episodes make me feel like I'm not wasting as much time because they're chopped into 20-minutes runs. In moments of sudden clarity and motivation, I try to read at least a chapter or two of the books I've been trying to finish since the middle of last year (six books, at least). In my defense, they're all classics so they can get really tedious to plod on. Then there are TED videos and the courses I enrolled in Udemy.

I guess I'm still trying to find my groove back. It's a process I never had to go through before so I feel a little lost. Things used to fall into their rightful places quite easily and smoothly for me but somehow they won't anymore. I'm sure they eventually will but I still can't help losing sleep over it at times.

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Then there's the issue of solitude. I'm pretty introverted bordering perturbingly-antisocial. And I don't mind being labeled and treated as one. I revel in my aloneness. But it can be lonesome when you find someone you can sincerely enjoy your solitude with and that someone is suddenly taken out of the picture. I know I asked for it and I totally deserve what I am feeling right now. To be perfectly frank, I've been actively looking around to find someone similar to J. Not in a romantic capacity, mind. And I lucked out in finding some people willing to put up with my neurotic tendencies. Thing is they often want to be more than what I'm currently in need of and can provide for. Which sucks donkey balls. They would offer to be friends, sure, but I feel like I'll be stringing them along and I really dislike the idea. I am no longer 24 after all to afford such silly games.

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I know how sucky I am as a person. I used to think that I wasn't that bad. Heck, I would proudly claim before that I was a good catch. I'm smarter than most people. I don't look half-bad. I have the height and the shoe size (And you know what they say about men with big shoes. They have big feet, dummy!). I'm hella funny and I'm good in bed. Kidding. I wanna say I'm not sure anymore but I am certain that I'm nowhere near the guy I swore I was. This is not self-deprecation by any means but an honest opinion of myself. I know I could be better. I am meant for better things if only I can rekindle the the fire in that torch I used to carry around.

The flame must have died from too much running. So slow down I should. Maybe find a matchstick, some friction, then perhaps, a spark.


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Friday, February 5, 2016

When FO Also Means Fuck Off

Meeting and unmeeting people online is easy when things are not as tangible as it were offline. God knows I’ve had my share of people I got real close with that some even showed their affection by sending me stuff or even inviting me to their wedding halfway across the globe. Neither am I a stranger when it comes to flirting just because I can; knowing all too well that I will prolly break someone’s heart. Well, I know now because I have and it can be such an awful, awful feeling post-facto. It’s pretty much the same for me in real life. At my age, I learned that people don’t stay just because you want them to. They stay because they choose to and that is a decision they make every single day. I know I don’t  and won’t even if you cry and beg and steal and cheat for it. I outgrew people as often as they did me, possibly more. And that’s the natural cycle of social connections so we’ve not much choice but to accept lest we be clingy, psycho fucks.

I’m not trying to tell a sob story about me getting cozy with someone who strung me along and left me broken-hearted. A month ago, a good friend at work suddenly went MIA. We used to work together in another department, he got promoted and so did I but we remained friends - we would go to the cafeteria together with former teammates, burn two hours or so watching old seasons of Law & Order and Family Guy (at work, lol), eat out and all those good stuff. We were friends for three years and some months. We did everything to try to check on him: multiple text, instant messages and phone calls on different days. All left unanswered. Another friend tried to invite him to play DOTA when he saw him online in Steam but to no avail. I even dared messaging his girlfriend to ask what was going on, and I think he gave her a bullshit reason which she then told me. She asked me to let her know once the friend gets in touch. But nada to this day. We had the idea to hunt him down and drop by his place but we figured he doesn’t want us to be in his life anymore. I, for one, am not the type to force myself where I am not wanted.

But boy, does it feel sucky. I think it hits me hard because I’m usually the one leaving and I get to have control over the separation. Or maybe, I dislike losing someone more than I’d like to admit.

I guess it’s a sob story after all, no? Give me back my three years, dammit!

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