Let Go Now

I don’t know what we had. I’m pretty sure it was something between too little and a lot of nothing. But it was something. 

I remember you begging. About three years ago. After breaking up a month before, I told you I needed to completely cut ties with you so I can properly mourn our mutual loss and move forward. But you begged me to stay. I was still in love with you so like a complete idiot, I agreed. It’d be hypocritical of me to say I didn’t hope that one day you’d realize I was worth the effort of upending your life, and running away with me. 

“Friends", we both said. Pitiful, to say the least. 

Fast-forward three years, look who’s left all alone. With the remains of something between too little and a lot of nothing. The child in me wants to throw a fit and demand I be given the same things I gave. Promises were made. Long ago. I can’t remember now. But people from the past who decided to stay in the past no longer owe us to keep their promises, do they? Just because you did and would do something for someone does not mean they would the same for you. I guess that’s what’s killing me. I led myself on and maybe part of it is my fault. But I am no child. I will not beg. If I didn’t beg then I surely won’t beg now. 

I will allow myself to accept my losses, grieve for a while and finally, let go. 

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Afterthoughts

I am a smart man. People love me for that. I know it, I use it to my advantage so much, so frequent that it works against me sometimes. Not because I fail to consider some aspects but because I consider too many that it prolongs the agony of indecision and uncertainty.

J and I are no more. We were two months short of two years, the longest steady romantic relations I ever had. We separated as friends and promised to keep in touch. Even joked about being fubus (I am half-serious). Neither of us cheated. Would have been a lot simpler had it been the case. He's in law school and it stands to reason that it is consuming his entirety while I, dear reader, am on my merry way to moderate-to-extreme depressive streak. Fantastic, isn't it? Of course, both of us need all the support we can get and we got em alright, only not from each other. And because we love ourselves enough and each other so much, we thought it best to stop hindering ourselves from caving in to the madness the recent months have brought.

So here we are, here I am again. Talking to myself, to an empty wall. I swear I thought it through. Calculated the risks, carefully weighed the upside to it, the little bits and pieces of the puzzle but why in the world do I suddenly feel emptier than I was. I was happier than sad, I kept telling myself. I felt relieved it was over. I no longer have to beg for attention. I don't have to feel like I'm always left out and he won't feel guilty about it. It was for the best, for our sanity, for the love we wish to freeze for now and hopefully reignite once the powers that be allow us.

I dunno.

Maybe because I know he's made himself available for others to go out with (it's not that it's unfair because I am free to date again too). Maybe because I should have stuck with him like a real man should, when he needs me the most. Because law school is ruthless and his professors don't give a flying fuck about learning because their own professors never did. And even without that, it is taxing not only mentally but physically and emotionally. I saw J's weight drop, listened to him rant until he sobs, stress himself out for a single recitation. I should be understanding, a firm hand to steady him, a source of inspiration but I can't. Oh, what I wouldn't do to be all that but I can't. Heck, I can't even understand nor inspire myself to move against this metaphorical catatonia. I just know that I'm in such an emotional and mental cluster fuck at the moment that it doesn't feel right to burden someone who's already suffering with issues I should have sorted out myself prior to this commitment.

I broke up with J a week ago. It felt right then but for some reason it doesn't feel right now.

I'm just fucking overthinking this.

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