When FO Also Means Fuck Off

Meeting and unmeeting people online is easy when things are not as tangible as it were offline. God knows I’ve had my share of people I got real close with that some even showed their affection by sending me stuff or even inviting me to their wedding halfway across the globe. Neither am I a stranger when it comes to flirting just because I can; knowing all too well that I will prolly break someone’s heart. Well, I know now because I have and it can be such an awful, awful feeling post-facto. It’s pretty much the same for me in real life. At my age, I learned that people don’t stay just because you want them to. They stay because they choose to and that is a decision they make every single day. I know I don’t  and won’t even if you cry and beg and steal and cheat for it. I outgrew people as often as they did me, possibly more. And that’s the natural cycle of social connections so we’ve not much choice but to accept lest we be clingy, psycho fucks.

I’m not trying to tell a sob story about me getting cozy with someone who strung me along and left me broken-hearted. A month ago, a good friend at work suddenly went MIA. We used to work together in another department, he got promoted and so did I but we remained friends - we would go to the cafeteria together with former teammates, burn two hours or so watching old seasons of Law & Order and Family Guy (at work, lol), eat out and all those good stuff. We were friends for three years and some months. We did everything to try to check on him: multiple text, instant messages and phone calls on different days. All left unanswered. Another friend tried to invite him to play DOTA when he saw him online in Steam but to no avail. I even dared messaging his girlfriend to ask what was going on, and I think he gave her a bullshit reason which she then told me. She asked me to let her know once the friend gets in touch. But nada to this day. We had the idea to hunt him down and drop by his place but we figured he doesn’t want us to be in his life anymore. I, for one, am not the type to force myself where I am not wanted.

But boy, does it feel sucky. I think it hits me hard because I’m usually the one leaving and I get to have control over the separation. Or maybe, I dislike losing someone more than I’d like to admit.

I guess it’s a sob story after all, no? Give me back my three years, dammit!

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Afterthoughts

I am a smart man. People love me for that. I know it, I use it to my advantage so much, so frequent that it works against me sometimes. Not because I fail to consider some aspects but because I consider too many that it prolongs the agony of indecision and uncertainty.

J and I are no more. We were two months short of two years, the longest steady romantic relations I ever had. We separated as friends and promised to keep in touch. Even joked about being fubus (I am half-serious). Neither of us cheated. Would have been a lot simpler had it been the case. He's in law school and it stands to reason that it is consuming his entirety while I, dear reader, am on my merry way to moderate-to-extreme depressive streak. Fantastic, isn't it? Of course, both of us need all the support we can get and we got em alright, only not from each other. And because we love ourselves enough and each other so much, we thought it best to stop hindering ourselves from caving in to the madness the recent months have brought.

So here we are, here I am again. Talking to myself, to an empty wall. I swear I thought it through. Calculated the risks, carefully weighed the upside to it, the little bits and pieces of the puzzle but why in the world do I suddenly feel emptier than I was. I was happier than sad, I kept telling myself. I felt relieved it was over. I no longer have to beg for attention. I don't have to feel like I'm always left out and he won't feel guilty about it. It was for the best, for our sanity, for the love we wish to freeze for now and hopefully reignite once the powers that be allow us.

I dunno.

Maybe because I know he's made himself available for others to go out with (it's not that it's unfair because I am free to date again too). Maybe because I should have stuck with him like a real man should, when he needs me the most. Because law school is ruthless and his professors don't give a flying fuck about learning because their own professors never did. And even without that, it is taxing not only mentally but physically and emotionally. I saw J's weight drop, listened to him rant until he sobs, stress himself out for a single recitation. I should be understanding, a firm hand to steady him, a source of inspiration but I can't. Oh, what I wouldn't do to be all that but I can't. Heck, I can't even understand nor inspire myself to move against this metaphorical catatonia. I just know that I'm in such an emotional and mental cluster fuck at the moment that it doesn't feel right to burden someone who's already suffering with issues I should have sorted out myself prior to this commitment.

I broke up with J a week ago. It felt right then but for some reason it doesn't feel right now.

I'm just fucking overthinking this.

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In and Out

I'd like to think that the partner and I are a lot similar than we are different. We were born a year and three days apart, he the 23rd of the 7th month and I, the 26th. I'm not much of a fan of astrology but for the sake of this entry, the partner and I are Leos; and believers would argue that Leos are warm, proud to the point of being arrogant, wildly passionate and hardheaded pricks which our personalities would have a hard time refuting. We're both introverts and a little too rational most of the time (the partner is an ISTJ while yours truly is an INTP) that people usually assume we're snobs (which we are). We have low tolerance for people who are intentionally stupid and proud of it. And we both love putting them in their rightful place.We do not like a lot of things but we share a passion for reading and visiting places most couples nowadays typically don't frequent (for example, graveyards and obscure galleries). We both think that the Philippines is worth staying in and it's people, worth staying with, despite the terrible state our country is in. I can write about the things we mutually like and the traits we mutually share as a proof that the cosmic powers brought us together (lol) but I could go for days on end and I'm absolute you'd retch.

See, the beauty about human relationships is no matter how compatible you and other people think you guys are and no matter how similar the two of you are that you're starting to mirror each other, the dissimilarities can be glaring they tend to occupy the larger part of the comparison pie chart not because of numerability but because of the threats they pose and all the ugly possibilities they offer. They could all be in my head but won't you humor me?

The partner is out, I'm not. This means no pda, at least not really obvious ones (I for one love under-the-table contacts like hands holding and footsies), no dating in places where people I know may be hanging out, no meet the friends and family, no uber-cheesy social media affirmation of undying love for each other (this I don't mind) and so many things that our moderately homophobic society will squirm at the sight of. Sure, we're not in Uganda where gay folks are thrown in jail just because but our country's collective consciousness certainly has thousands of leagues to go in terms of acceptance of the LGBT group. My parents would literally damn my soul in hell and disown me if I come out. I'm pretty sure I'd get of the house physically unharmed but this dim prospect is something I'd rather not go through for the sake of my sanity and my parents'.

We never really talked about how we're supposed to handle our relationship in this regard. Unspoken ground rules just magically appeared out of nowhere for both of us to follow. I'm kidding. There's no magic, he's just sensible and sensitive enough to accommodate my being in the closet. Nevertheless, we still encounter times where I feel bad because I can't give him the world like another guy could. I mean, I can't even go with him to Trinoma for chrissakes. I can't even go public that I'm with someone. People would hound me and the world as I know it would collapse to an unrecognizable mess. He constantly reaffirms me that he doesn't mind but I'm paranoid about all these little things piling up that one day they'd be enough of a reason for him (or anyone, for that matter) to leave me. People are not known to tolerate something that makes them uncomfortable and I'm sure this does not make him comfortable at all. He would have the world by now had I been another guy.

Then I'm sobered up by the realization that we are too similar to succumb to this. We're both young and smart and hopeful that we would get as far as our understanding of differences could get us. And that could span long enough to conquer this lifetime.

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How Not to Start Your Year

As an act of civility and an effort to bridge the distance I have placed between myself and the past, I sent an ex a new year greeting earlier today. Being the extra-stupid guy that I am, I missent the message to the partner. No, their contact entries in my phone are very much far apart - the ex is 'd' while the partner is a 'j'. It's just that my fingers reflexively type the partner's name whenever I would send an sms. My fingers are not known to have functioning cerebral powers, you see, and so am I.

And boy, did it get ugly. The partner was infuriated, extremely disappointed, seething like Mt. Vesuvius about to submerge Pompeii in its molten anger. I stood my ground. I didn't do anything wrong, I told myself and him. Just because I want to open communication with an ex or another guy doesn't mean I'm cheating. Sound reasoning, yes? Wrong. So we fought. Like mad cats. But then, I realized I wasn't right to not have given him fair warning about it. I'm pretty sure I would be mighty pissed too had I found out he is keeping tabs on another guy, especially an ex-flame. And that I could be blind to other people's feelings, even the ones I care about, when I think I'm right. Which isn't really the best way to handle relationships.

Am I being under the saya? I dunno. I couldn't care less, really. I just know that there are things not worth having an argument over. Like this one.

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