Let Go Now

I don’t know what we had. I’m pretty sure it was something between too little and a lot of nothing. But it was something. 

I remember you begging. About three years ago. After breaking up a month before, I told you I needed to completely cut ties with you so I can properly mourn our mutual loss and move forward. But you begged me to stay. I was still in love with you so like a complete idiot, I agreed. It’d be hypocritical of me to say I didn’t hope that one day you’d realize I was worth the effort of upending your life, and running away with me. 

“Friends", we both said. Pitiful, to say the least. 

Fast-forward three years, look who’s left all alone. With the remains of something between too little and a lot of nothing. The child in me wants to throw a fit and demand I be given the same things I gave. Promises were made. Long ago. I can’t remember now. But people from the past who decided to stay in the past no longer owe us to keep their promises, do they? Just because you did and would do something for someone does not mean they would the same for you. I guess that’s what’s killing me. I led myself on and maybe part of it is my fault. But I am no child. I will not beg. If I didn’t beg then I surely won’t beg now. 

I will allow myself to accept my losses, grieve for a while and finally, let go. 

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A Different Kind of Heartbreak

A ping from an almost girlfriend.

"What is this time?", I muttered to myself.

"André, Ninoy's gone."

Ninoy was my best friend in high school.

"No. No." was all I could reply.

Dead on arrival. He suffered a massive heart attack he mistook for a heartburn earlier this morning. Meanwhile, I was happily railing a cute moreno twink stressed for his engineering board exam when he passed.

Ninoy is a good guy. Fuck. He was a good guy. Youngest in our batch and he sure acted like the bunso he was. Always ready with a corny joke, a hearty laugh and a dirty white good morning towel to wipe his sweaty-ass self with. He was part of our little all-male group addicted to playing chess. There was usually four of us, sometimes bigger but we always beat the crap out of everyone else playing chess so they would just watch. Out of the four, he was the most excitable and easiest to read because of his obvious tell. I remember the times he'd panic when he realized we saw through his strat and loudly complain as he eventually lost the game. We would play chess whenever we could. Breaks, lunchtime, before and after class. Heck, we were so into it that we would even play way past after school hours. Good times.

Ninoy was a smart guy. He was one of the four of us who passed UPCAT back then which was such a big deal for our humble public high school. He was actually the reason why I even went to college. He, together with these two volunteer teachers from UP Pahinungod, tracked me down (and I never took any high school friends home) and convinced me to enroll. See, we were broke as fuck then and I never had any hopes of going to college. He was the first and probably the last high school friend who got to visit our home.

He had a tough time in Baguio (I went to Diliman). Culture shock, I suppose. The sudden freedom one finds when he's away from home for the first time. He had a difficult time managing school, and booze, and weed, and love life. The almost girlfriend went to visit him once and suspected he was romantically-involved with a guy. He came out to me, one time I was visiting the almost girlfriend with him as my wingman. Her mom actually wanted Ninoy to date her. Tangina lang ni tita. Haha. 

I wish I was more vocal of my support. But my dumb younger self chose to just hear it and quietly accept it for fear of getting found that I, too, am gay. Courage has never been my strongest suit. Look at me now, still fretting over my planned coming out before the end of the year. But fuck, if Ninoy wasn't brave. He came out to the rest of our high school friends who would joke about how it made sense and how he would take advantage of hitching on this guy friend's motorcycle so he could "poke" him. I would always just sit there quiet, never defending him. I was a dick, I know. I think that's when we drifted apart. Can't really blame him. I wasn't a good friend to him.

He eventually transferred to a school in MNL, graduated, started working for this offshore company. We would just see each other when a close high school friend would celebrate a major life event but our friendship was never the same. My last attempt to connect was three years ago. Found out he was working as a collections specialist but wanting to get promoted. My last response to him was "Cool, cool" like a total douchebag instead of asking him to hang. Based on the Facebook posts from his work friends lamenting our collective loss, it seems he did get his well-earned promotion.

To say I feel terrible is an understatement. I feel like I was suckerpunched and forced to watch a significant part of my childhood collapse in front of me. But I see how I deserve this heartbreak. I didn't do what he would do for me. Had I come out to him, I'm pretty sure he would have celebrated it and we would not have outgrown our friendship. I was a silly man, limited by his fears and insecurities.

But I'm happy for you, Noy. You lived a good life free from hiding and hurting for not living your truth. You loved and you were loved back. Your life was a celebration of laughters and smiles and good food, and good friends who deserve your friendship. I guess I wont be able to tell you how you steered my life towards a better direction and how much our brotherhood means to me. I feel sorry for myself for having lost our friendship then, and now, for having lost the opportunity to rekindle it.

I love you, man. Magdadala ako ng chessboard pag nagkita ulit tayo. And we would play again. Just like the old times.

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Cockblocked By A Dog

I was supposed to fly to Steven's city later tonight so I can spend the weekend with him. Well, not the entire weekend, since he'll have to sneak out of his house to go to my hotel room in the evenings.

Yep, I'm dating another closeted guy but he's at least ten times deeper in the closet, if not more. I'd say he's a typical Chinese closeted guy but he's far from it and by far, I mean his situation is a lot worse. See, his mom prefers that they keep to themselves. He and all his siblings were academic achievers from really good schools in the country but at the expense of not having friends because his mom insisted that it was all that matters. So he doesn't have anyone but his family. He does everything with them - work with them, go out and eat with them, vacation with them. I recall him saying more than once that he's sick and tired of it. Anything done without them is bound to raise suspicions. Anything out of the norm will invite nagging questions. That means traveling often is not an option. Travel done without his family requires an elaborate excuse and he doesn't have much excuse until he decides to fuck it and run away with me.

We started talking in this dating site around December of last year. Been crushing on the guy for months before because holy cow! he's beautiful and plenty smart and seemed to have got things figured out. He's eloquent, too and has this genuine interest in people, in me. Hours pass by real fast when I talk to the guy and I'm obviously enamored. I know I told myself I'll get my shit together first before I even try to engage romantically again but he's just too good to pass up. We were together for six days when he flew to Manila in late January for a reunion (during which his mom would check on him at least twice a day). Even went to a church service for him (I shit you not my flesh burnt a tiny bit), because there was no other opportunity to meet. He snuck from his family to sit with me for a while until it ended then we parted ways. We have not seen each other since.

Anyway, his parents are out of the country for a two-week or so cruise somewhere in Europe and he's left here with two of his sisters to look after the company. Earlier this week he started floating this idea of me flying to him so we could spend time together. The caveat was he could only go to me after dark because his sisters will look for him. And I wasn't comfortable with the idea because it was all of a sudden and I don't have the funds what with the expenses of getting our house renovated, moving to another apartment here in Manila, plans of going back to school and all that adulting stuff. He generously offered to cover the cost which I appreciate but the proud part of me refused the offer because I'm a man and I should pay for myself. I also hate how situations like that highlight our socio-economic difference. We eventually settled into a compromise where he'd pay for half and I'd take care of the other half and that sounded reasonable.

So I asked him to book the ticket as I was busy at work. While he was doing that, he thought of putting his old dog buddy from college, JJ, in his sister's room to see if she will cry and look for him. Because if she does, his sister will, in turn, look for him to come pick her up. And what do you know? She did and she did which is mighty unfortunate. I asked him to ring the hotel if they were pet-friendly and, of course, they're not.

And that, my friends, is the story of a blind, old shih tzu cockblocking me.

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Truth be told it's tough. No kidding. We're both in the closet. He's family is super conservative it'll make your head spin. We're hundreds of miles from each other. He's rich and I'm barely middle-class. I could go on. But I'm in too deep now. So it's best to swim until I get to him.

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