Afterthoughts

I am a smart man. People love me for that. I know it, I use it to my advantage so much, so frequent that it works against me sometimes. Not because I fail to consider some aspects but because I consider too many that it prolongs the agony of indecision and uncertainty.

J and I are no more. We were two months short of two years, the longest steady romantic relations I ever had. We separated as friends and promised to keep in touch. Even joked about being fubus (I am half-serious). Neither of us cheated. Would have been a lot simpler had it been the case. He's in law school and it stands to reason that it is consuming his entirety while I, dear reader, am on my merry way to moderate-to-extreme depressive streak. Fantastic, isn't it? Of course, both of us need all the support we can get and we got em alright, only not from each other. And because we love ourselves enough and each other so much, we thought it best to stop hindering ourselves from caving in to the madness the recent months have brought.

So here we are, here I am again. Talking to myself, to an empty wall. I swear I thought it through. Calculated the risks, carefully weighed the upside to it, the little bits and pieces of the puzzle but why in the world do I suddenly feel emptier than I was. I was happier than sad, I kept telling myself. I felt relieved it was over. I no longer have to beg for attention. I don't have to feel like I'm always left out and he won't feel guilty about it. It was for the best, for our sanity, for the love we wish to freeze for now and hopefully reignite once the powers that be allow us.

I dunno.

Maybe because I know he's made himself available for others to go out with (it's not that it's unfair because I am free to date again too). Maybe because I should have stuck with him like a real man should, when he needs me the most. Because law school is ruthless and his professors don't give a flying fuck about learning because their own professors never did. And even without that, it is taxing not only mentally but physically and emotionally. I saw J's weight drop, listened to him rant until he sobs, stress himself out for a single recitation. I should be understanding, a firm hand to steady him, a source of inspiration but I can't. Oh, what I wouldn't do to be all that but I can't. Heck, I can't even understand nor inspire myself to move against this metaphorical catatonia. I just know that I'm in such an emotional and mental cluster fuck at the moment that it doesn't feel right to burden someone who's already suffering with issues I should have sorted out myself prior to this commitment.

I broke up with J a week ago. It felt right then but for some reason it doesn't feel right now.

I'm just fucking overthinking this.

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McDo Dates

The last time the boyfriend and I dated was I dunno-when-exactly two weeks ago. That was a quickie meal at McDo too and I realized their friend chicken really leaves a lot to be desired for. We've been struggling to find a suitable schedule for a regular rendezvous ever since he started law school in June and I had to go back to the graveyard shift.

I was initially apprehensive that I couldn't have enough time in his company. Sure, messages over text and phone calls are there but they really can't replace the good ole look-me-in-the-eye conversations over cold pasta and bland iced tea. You get what I mean. I'm certain he felt the same way if not more (lol, assuming). I still get these messages from him that I'd get tired with the lack of his physical presence and I'd feel like I'm set aside as a second priority to his educational pursuit. The selfish guy in me would say "Of course, I would be! We should be visiting places, making out til our lungs run out of air, talking til our mouths are dry, having mad sex, creating memories together not just daydreaming for them to happen like the single folks out there. I am entitled to it for chrissakes!" But then the sane part of my brain would think how he must be feeling the same way or prolly worse. I'm sure it's difficult to be in his shoes to have to plod through the hell fire of law school and still have to worry about how we stand in our relationship. I realize that other couples may have worse issues to wrestle with but our dilemma is as real as theirs and I would hate to take it lightly just to end up miserable later.

Admittedly, we haven't had much success in our goal to meet in a regular basis. Our dates are more like the spontaneous kind in the most unromantic fashion imaginable (see McDo date above). I ain't complaining though I sound like I am. Haha. Our setup made me realize the value of our time together. (Not that I didn't before.) He insists that he has a role as a boyfriend and will try his best to make time for me but I too insist that as his partner, I should be understanding of his plight. After all, it's just some five years of limited physical encounters and I can have him all to myself afterwards granted he doesn't work too much. :)

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Eyecandies

"Eyecandy, no?" J asked.

"Uh, huh." I stammered in hesitant agreement. I didn't know I was that obvious as I ogled at this guy who just entered the pastry house J and I love frequenting.

I braced myself for an onslaught of violent denunciation or a deafening, your balls-will-shrink silence. You know, typical partner reaction to the other half mooning over someone else. But praise be to the Lord of heavens, I got neither. Instead, J gave me a hearty laugh.

I tried to explain myself to purge my guilt but I couldn't speak loud enough for J to hear me as the subject of our discussion was just a table away. He handed me a pen and the receipt.

I wrote "I was looking at his butt more than his face". An incriminating evidence, I agree, but hell, I was caught in the act so I found it unnecessary (and dumb) to deny it.

Yep, I like butts. Male butts that is. And the guy in question has a pretty nice one. But I need a face to justify it with hence my curiosity.

I was sure J would get pissed at me. Any sane boyfriend would. Most prefer to look at other people as discreet as possible (that is how you use 'discreet', people!) to avoid confrontation either from the object of attraction or the partner, or worse, both. Almost all would rather ignore that their partner is sniffing around and a lot would like to pretend it's not happening.

Well, it happens. A lot more than we care to think.

People are people. We get attracted many times a day. Sometimes the object of our attraction gets attracted to us but it matters not. Our testosterone levels (estrogen for our sisters gifted with ovaries, let's not be sexists here) don't get depleted when we enter into a mutually-exclusive relationship. It's plain stupidity to assume otherwise. The clincher is whether one would act on it or not.

We get attracted, yes, but thatt doesn't mean we are any less attracted to the person we are with. If anything, it is a testimony about one's sincerity in his/her relationship - we see a lot of people out there worthy of our side glances but there's only one we could look at, directly, without shame or indecision. Just don't ogle too much. It's tacky.

I gotta work on my sneakiness.

[Image credit: http://twenty-firstcenturyboy.blogspot.com/]

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