Afterthoughts

I am a smart man. People love me for that. I know it, I use it to my advantage so much, so frequent that it works against me sometimes. Not because I fail to consider some aspects but because I consider too many that it prolongs the agony of indecision and uncertainty.

J and I are no more. We were two months short of two years, the longest steady romantic relations I ever had. We separated as friends and promised to keep in touch. Even joked about being fubus (I am half-serious). Neither of us cheated. Would have been a lot simpler had it been the case. He's in law school and it stands to reason that it is consuming his entirety while I, dear reader, am on my merry way to moderate-to-extreme depressive streak. Fantastic, isn't it? Of course, both of us need all the support we can get and we got em alright, only not from each other. And because we love ourselves enough and each other so much, we thought it best to stop hindering ourselves from caving in to the madness the recent months have brought.

So here we are, here I am again. Talking to myself, to an empty wall. I swear I thought it through. Calculated the risks, carefully weighed the upside to it, the little bits and pieces of the puzzle but why in the world do I suddenly feel emptier than I was. I was happier than sad, I kept telling myself. I felt relieved it was over. I no longer have to beg for attention. I don't have to feel like I'm always left out and he won't feel guilty about it. It was for the best, for our sanity, for the love we wish to freeze for now and hopefully reignite once the powers that be allow us.

I dunno.

Maybe because I know he's made himself available for others to go out with (it's not that it's unfair because I am free to date again too). Maybe because I should have stuck with him like a real man should, when he needs me the most. Because law school is ruthless and his professors don't give a flying fuck about learning because their own professors never did. And even without that, it is taxing not only mentally but physically and emotionally. I saw J's weight drop, listened to him rant until he sobs, stress himself out for a single recitation. I should be understanding, a firm hand to steady him, a source of inspiration but I can't. Oh, what I wouldn't do to be all that but I can't. Heck, I can't even understand nor inspire myself to move against this metaphorical catatonia. I just know that I'm in such an emotional and mental cluster fuck at the moment that it doesn't feel right to burden someone who's already suffering with issues I should have sorted out myself prior to this commitment.

I broke up with J a week ago. It felt right then but for some reason it doesn't feel right now.

I'm just fucking overthinking this.