In and Out

I'd like to think that the partner and I are a lot similar than we are different. We were born a year and three days apart, he the 23rd of the 7th month and I, the 26th. I'm not much of a fan of astrology but for the sake of this entry, the partner and I are Leos; and believers would argue that Leos are warm, proud to the point of being arrogant, wildly passionate and hardheaded pricks which our personalities would have a hard time refuting. We're both introverts and a little too rational most of the time (the partner is an ISTJ while yours truly is an INTP) that people usually assume we're snobs (which we are). We have low tolerance for people who are intentionally stupid and proud of it. And we both love putting them in their rightful place.We do not like a lot of things but we share a passion for reading and visiting places most couples nowadays typically don't frequent (for example, graveyards and obscure galleries). We both think that the Philippines is worth staying in and it's people, worth staying with, despite the terrible state our country is in. I can write about the things we mutually like and the traits we mutually share as a proof that the cosmic powers brought us together (lol) but I could go for days on end and I'm absolute you'd retch.

See, the beauty about human relationships is no matter how compatible you and other people think you guys are and no matter how similar the two of you are that you're starting to mirror each other, the dissimilarities can be glaring they tend to occupy the larger part of the comparison pie chart not because of numerability but because of the threats they pose and all the ugly possibilities they offer. They could all be in my head but won't you humor me?

The partner is out, I'm not. This means no pda, at least not really obvious ones (I for one love under-the-table contacts like hands holding and footsies), no dating in places where people I know may be hanging out, no meet the friends and family, no uber-cheesy social media affirmation of undying love for each other (this I don't mind) and so many things that our moderately homophobic society will squirm at the sight of. Sure, we're not in Uganda where gay folks are thrown in jail just because but our country's collective consciousness certainly has thousands of leagues to go in terms of acceptance of the LGBT group. My parents would literally damn my soul in hell and disown me if I come out. I'm pretty sure I'd get of the house physically unharmed but this dim prospect is something I'd rather not go through for the sake of my sanity and my parents'.

We never really talked about how we're supposed to handle our relationship in this regard. Unspoken ground rules just magically appeared out of nowhere for both of us to follow. I'm kidding. There's no magic, he's just sensible and sensitive enough to accommodate my being in the closet. Nevertheless, we still encounter times where I feel bad because I can't give him the world like another guy could. I mean, I can't even go with him to Trinoma for chrissakes. I can't even go public that I'm with someone. People would hound me and the world as I know it would collapse to an unrecognizable mess. He constantly reaffirms me that he doesn't mind but I'm paranoid about all these little things piling up that one day they'd be enough of a reason for him (or anyone, for that matter) to leave me. People are not known to tolerate something that makes them uncomfortable and I'm sure this does not make him comfortable at all. He would have the world by now had I been another guy.

Then I'm sobered up by the realization that we are too similar to succumb to this. We're both young and smart and hopeful that we would get as far as our understanding of differences could get us. And that could span long enough to conquer this lifetime.